发信人: deadfish1980(deadfish1980)
整理人: joyce_85(2002-07-07 20:57:45), 站内信件
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I write my confession in English because my Chinese is too bad now.
My English is not good either, so don't blame me for grammer errors.
Sometimes we want others to understand us, that is y I confess.
The final confession 1
Someone says that love in the first sight is romantic. I totally don’t believe it. You might have a feeling with a pretty gal during the first time you see her, but you can’t say you love her rite the way. I always look at pretty gals when I walk on the street. Do you know how many pretty gals pass through you each day? I can tell you that there are many of them. I have feeling with each of those pretty gals, but I will not see most of them anymore. Don’t think I am horny. This is not horny. It is just normal man’s reaction when they see pretty gals.
I didn’t feel she was pretty during the first time I saw her. I thought she was just a normal looking gal, and that was her first impression for me. I couldn’t even figure out the difference between her and her sister because they are twins. I had no special feeling about her at that time. I saw her couple times later on, and I knew her a little bit more. There was one time I saw her in a train. She was sitting on the chair and talking to her cousin. I suddenly had a strong feeling about her. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know. I just had it, and I felt that she was pretty. She has long hair, white skin and big eyes. Her smile is sweet. Everything about her turned perfect. I couldn’t say perfect, but at least according to my feeling, she was so much better than before. At that time, I was trying to pick up her, but I gave up real quick. That was a personal problem with me. I didn’t know what I really want at that time, so I was just trying to pick up different gals. Of course, I was frustrated each time. I don’t want to talk about this now. I will tell you more later on.
Half year later, I finally knew myself better. I became a recluse. I didn’t call and hang out with gals. I didn’t meet friends very often beside school and work. I didn’t feel unhappy, on the other hand, I felt much better. I didn’t go out that much just because I had very few friends to hang out beside gals. My buddies were either far away or busy like hell. I sometimes talked to her in the internet, and I also saw her sometimes in school. I thought I had already lost my feeling about her, but I was wrong. Actually I had a stronger feeling than before. Sometimes I went online all days just because I wanted to talk to her. Even if I can only say, “good night” to her, I’ll feel very happy. I began to miss her a lot, and that is not something I can describe. I think that is called love. I really don’t know, and I don’t want to know. I probably will not see her in the future, and she might also forget me later. Time will change everything, included feeling. I decided to put her in my mind, so I will never forget her and my feeling about her. I will forget the faces of all pretty gals who I saw on the street someday, but I will never forget her because she is living in my memory now.
The final confession 2
I am not a good guy. In fact, I am bad, and I did many bad things. I have stolen someone’s money, bikes, motorcycles, tickets, pens and books. I have also beaten up someone for fun or gals. Sometimes, I smoke and drink, but I don’t use drugs. I never feel regret about doing those bad things because I felt I got enough punishment in return. I lost my friends in school because everybody knew I was bad. I got beaten up my other gangs because I acted cocky, or I have beaten up them before. I believe that whatever you do, you will get the result, so there is not thing you should regret for. In my life, I only owe 4 people things and feel regret to them. They are my parents, a guy named Wang, Fei and a gal named Jun.
Why do I feel regret to my parents? I think you can guess it. My parents treat me very well, and wish I can be a good and useful guy. Unfortunately, I still don’t look like it now. They spent their life to train me, but I guess they are frustrated. I really don’t want to talk about it now.
Wang is my junior high school classmates. He was not a smart guy. He acted silly sometimes. He was chicken and naughty. We did bad things together sometimes. I treated him very bad because I felt he was weak and stupid. I always asked him for money. If he didn’t want to give me, I would rob him and jump him. Sometimes, when I felt angry, I would also beat him to vent my anger. One time, we were playing in a video store, and I shorted for money. I asked him for money. He got 2 dollars, but he didn’t want to give me. I jumped him, and he fought back. I used my key to hit his head, and finally broke his head. He was breeding like hell at that time. Both of us were very scared, and we went to hospital. I frighten him and asked him to tell other people that he hurt his head by tripping on the floor himself. He listened to me because he didn’t want his parents to know he was playing with me in the video store during school time. For only 2 Chinese dollars, I broke my friend’s head. Later on, I still did some more bad things on him. Another time when I shorted for money, I stole his bike and sell it. I feel very bad about what I did on him because he was one of my few friends at that time. Not many people would hang out with me at that time.
Jun was my last girl friend in China. I had some other girl friends before, but other gals mostly broke up with me peacefully. She was very young at that time. I think she was around fourteen years old. She was in my junior high school, but she was in lower grade than me. I have promised her many things, but I kept none of them. I knew I would go to United State very soon at that time, but I still picked up her because I felt bored. I wanted a gal to hang out with me, so I kept our relationship till the last minute, and I never told her I would leave. Finally I left her without a word, and I knew she felt very bad about it. Now she has a good boy friend, and it gives me an excuse to feel better.
The Final confession 3
I am contradicted. My mind is a mess, and I sometimes do stupid things. I had had a psychological problem for a long time before I could understand myself better. For a long time, I had problem with gals. I didn’t know how to maintain relationship with them, especially those who I like. I tried to pick up every gal that I like, but I gave up real quick and got frustrated each time. There was a gal in my heart, who made me feel very confused. She is my god sister in China. I have known her since I was 14 years old. The first time I saw her, I had a strong feeling about her. I became her god brother later on because a friend of mine was picking up her at that time. I took her as my real sister because I felt I should do so. I didn’t know why I got that feeling. I missed her so much after I came to United Stated, but I didn’t miss any other of my gal friends. In my mind, I avoided to think that I loved her. I kept deceiving myself that I only took her as my sister. At the same time, I was picking up many gals because I tried to tell myself I didn’t love her.
I cured myself later. It is easy. I just began to believe that I love her, and then my problem was gone. My friends always say I am a realist, and I am too selfish. I admit that I usually don’t give out a damn for free. Why should I be a nice guy? The whole world is cruel and phony, so I have no reason to be special. I only kept my promise to few of my buddies or gals. I remembered that I promised a gal to get her a bottle of Chinese pineapple beer one time. I spent all my connections to get it, and finally I used a price that is 50 times of the original price to get it. That bottle of Chinese pineapple beer was traveled through the Pacific Ocean from China to New York. By the way, that gal is neither my gal friend nor the gal I try to pick up. She is just a gal that I want to keep my promise to.
I treat my god brothers, sisters and buddies very well. I guess that is my loyalty. I had been a Chinese gang member before I came to United Stated. Loyalty is something we use to keep relationship between gang members. Even if I think that is fake, and nobody is really loyal to other people, I feel I should at least keep loyal to few people. If in your life, you can’t be loyal to anyone, you’ll feel so lonely. Someone say that I have changed since I came to New York. I refuse to admit that. I can tell you that I never change myself. Even though I am college student in New York, and I act much better, I still think I am the same as before. I never change, and you see differences just because the world is changed.
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别人说我太嚣狂，
概惜众人皆虚我独真。
别人责我太花心，
多情自古空如恨，情痴总是痴。
唯我赤心傲苍天，冷眼看神魔。
不敬天地不敬神，唯敬情谊真。
别人笑我太疯颠，
只叹众人皆醉我独醒。
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