发信人: evilangelakasha(丽蒂雅)
整理人: roy_young(2001-04-10 12:21:07), 站内信件
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It was my 17th birthday. It meant that I could finally leave my parents' house in
only a few months and start a new life at the far-off land of collage. It was early April.
Life seemed uneasy.
My name was Karen. I attended a high school with arrogant reputation and rotten
policies. There was never natural light in the prison classrooms. The lectures were
undoubtedly the most effective lullaby.
No complain. Said my respectful teachers. When else could I expect from this
life. Things rushed through your life and never bother to bear a hand. Sometimes they
just play with your mind. Maybe the best thing to do was being ignorant. People talked
about growing up, about happiness, and thousands of similar matters. These things could
never be accomplished with my hopeless state of mind.
My best friend was September. It was an odd name. But it was beautiful. She
wrote stories about dark images. It ended up creeping into my dream. Every night passed
in siren's songs and elf's magic books. Those fallen angels with gorgeous wings and
immense eyes danced in the sky.
"I never saw those angels dance." I told September.
"No, they don't dance. They sing." She would say.
I always have the dream of being someone I don't know. And that person
happened to be myself. I never knew I was capable of knowing my heart. And I didn't
expect others to see it for me. I absolutely loathed these vacant things. They filled up my
life with hopeless reality. My personal quote was "do what you should do and think less.
In case you want to survive in this Savage Garden." I valued it very highly. If I thought
too much I would have been dead already. Ignorant was not necessarily a bad thing.
I stay in my room most of the time. I kept a crazy sketchbook for my drawings. I
drew angels with gorgeous wings and sirens with ravishing beauty. Other than that, I
could say, I "do what I should do and think less." I was in a high school with
unbelievable vanity. I soon found it contagious and got infected. Good grades meant a
"bright" future with fame and wealth. Since it was said to be the most reasonable thing
for a not-so-stupid person to do. I would have to follow the defined path - such as
parametric equation would define something. I learned this fancy math with a professor. I
was the kind of person who would work for a summer to get less than seven hundred
dollars and soon threw it into "quality education" such as going into university to pretend
to be smart. One reason, I did not know how to spend money. Another reason, it was a
disaster to stay in my room all summer.
"Karen. You are a senior and you know nothing about having a life." September
said so when we were sitting under the high ceiling of study hall room.
"The reason for this huge noise in this room is because the material used for the
ceiling does not absorb sound. It reflects the sound wave and make it even worse." I said,
with a grave impression.
She shook her head.
I was laughing like crazy: "Well don't be so negative about physics. It's the
fundamental science. Let's get back to the book. There is nothing else for us to do."
The wind stirred fragrance of newly bloomed flowers. The sunshine was warm.
Sky was clear. These moments I cherished very carefully. They were so short that finding
them became so difficult for me.
When I walked down the street to get back to my house, I was thinking of Leo.
There was nothing special about him. It was just some kind of impression. I believed that
he was a fun person to talk to.
During that time, I was plotting a corny story about a girl and her life. I grew this
dark view of the world when I fell in love with William Blake's sculpture and Witches'
magic book. In my imagination, a girl was torn by two forces--one was the hope for a
future, the other was the deathly view of the world she inherited from her father. I
imagined her in black cloak with cunning eyes. Then I felt supremely lost.
Time keeps passing us. I was not even aware of the seasonal change, until one
day, I told myself the sun became warm. September interrupted when I was having an
intellectual conversation with her: "I noticed the frequency of your mention of that boy
has drastically increased."
My mind stopped functioning: "what does that mean?"
She smiled, without saying more.
Words twisted in my heart. I stared blankly at my study guide. The words of
September struck me. Was I aware of the change on me? I kept asking myself.
What if, he was more than I thought he was.
The smile spread over her face as she came toward me.
"Morning, did you think my words?"
I shook my head: "You have put me in hell."
"Then it is really more than your conclusion, Karen!" September burst out
laughing then placed the huge stack of books on my hands, "Books of the day, take care."
"Hey Karen." A voice came behind me.
I turned sharply, caught the bright smile of Leo appearing in front of me.
"eh, hi." I was like a child caught by parents playing with fire, not knowing what
to say or explain.
My heart fastened its pace. I walked mechanically by his side.
He talked a lot, as usual. But I turned into an idiot all of a sudden. I blamed
everything on September. He did not notice my unusualness, maybe it was all my
imagination.
So on I managed to deal with my life. Time turned to be precious now. I was
constantly aware of the fact that I wanted to be with him. a day maybe brightened just to
see his smile. And the graduation was approaching.
It was April. September came down to visit me a lot. We'd sat in the evening
moonlight, with books spread open on our lap. We had conversation about scary ghost
stories and funny scene from Garfield. Sometimes we review for our tests. Maybe time
remained unchanged for us.
"Karen, don't you ever think of " she made a gesture, "really tell him what is
happening with you?"
"Sep, well, at least not before I figure out what's going on here."
She laughed: "Wow, that will be a long time. From what I see, you already lost
your mind. A clarification is needed."
"I learn things from life, but those I am clear about, cannot help me make
decisions. Because when it happens to me, I become dumb."
"I understand, Karen, I can relate. Things are like that. Fear of rejection acts
against what you know sometimes. But aren't you happy just to be with him?"
"Yes, so there is no point of making this clear. What difference would it make?"
"Well, to be more happy and fulfilled?"
"No, no, no, I am only fulfilled with valueless things. as for happy, I don't think I
will be as happy as I am now if I break this to him."
"Karen, something you look too much on the result, but sometimes you don't. we
are graduating. Think about the time left, would you rather fall into parts if you made "it"
on the day of separation? Or would you rather stay with the question forever in your
mind? Or maybe you wouldn't even remember it very much. You do not appear to be an
emotional person, but in fact, you are. "
"Sep, that would never be a question. I may forget everything. Time is something
that does miracles."
"You think long and hard, but it may not be something you need right now."
I shook my head, "let's get back to our book. More important stuff to do."
"Never, never a moment of relax off those books!"
That night I cried silently, sinking my face in the softness of pillow. It was not of
sadness. It was for happiness. The realization of knowing myself capable of
transformation and growing up, of knowing new feelings and see the world in anew.
Something granted me this.
I told September about my thoughts over this. She looked at me and sighed:
"something fate solve the problem, you don't."
I listened to her and bought myself a science-fiction book called antibodies. I read
it for the rest of my Sunday afternoons.
My heart hurt.
I met Leo in school. He looked weary. Maybe it was the season. I didn't know if I
was going to remember everything. But at that moment, I wanted to do so.
"Hey," he said, "It's amazing we are graduating."
"Yes, and I feel that I will miss my high school years."
"Same here. Well, then we won't see each other."
"I don't think so," I smiled, "distance is amazing."
He smiled too, but bitterly. I noticed something passed away in his eyes. It was
already the last day of our high school. From then everything concludes itself in a perfect
manner.
"But who knows the future." I added, "Maybe I will see you someday." I
shrugged.
"Have fun in college." The last line he left me.
Pointless? No. it is something I remember as a part of me.
September sat in the shadow on this warm afternoon. After mass graduation
parties and college visiting, we spend time together discussing some profound matters.
This included everything, such as black hole and philosophy. We were going to the same
university. I thought it was neat.
I knew that we were moving into a new life and leaving the past behind. We kept
the past as memories in the deepest part of our hearts. Those memories were cherished as
if they were the pieces of happiness. I knew the friendship was silent and long-lasting.
Maybe I had made the wrong decision. Life is something worth struggle, but not
worth for paying the price of unpredictable future. I was not a person of determination.
And I believed that I understood things in the right way.
Time passed in silence. We change from time to time.
----
空之大主教奥薇莉雅
那是夏天的呼吸，黑夜的生命。
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