发信人: morefool(迷迷糊糊)
整理人: monique(2001-02-02 03:31:51), 站内信件
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迷迷糊糊有位Mark(马克)教授，文章写得特有趣。某日，迷迷糊糊不禁手痒，遂冒着
生命危险，三番前往窃取，终得一绝世名篇，曰“约会我女儿的十大准则”。愿与诸
君共欣赏，也作为我当上板斧的见面礼，呵呵。版权归Mark教授所有，虽然他还不晓
得被我卖了。嘻嘻。
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
Package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-
minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes
do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
Rules Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rules Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".
Rules Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rules Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you
do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rules Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff, T-shirts,
or anything other than overalls, a sweater,and a goose down
parka-zippped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or
sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are
okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rules Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to
my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance
to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I
have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind my house. Do not
trifle with me.
Rules Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway
you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought
my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car ---there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the
window is mine.
终于打完了，好累呀。不过Mark教授的文采不会被埋没了。呵呵。
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我举起一把大锤子，对准我的电脑，狠狠地砸了下去……
海外华人 |
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