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发信人: roy_young(小眼无罪) 整理人: roy_young(2001-11-21 10:01:07), 站内信件 |
| Ellen Tsang
XXX-XX-XXXX Looking out from the white to the line where the sky melts into the ocean or the ocean evaporates into the sky, the golden bird flies around at the point between the sky and ocean under the setting sun. The peacefulness is stirred by some mysterious force; my mind unconsciously falls into a trance of space and time, back to a night of three years ago. I meditate, “Yes, there is fate. People follow theirs, but I make mine.” I held up my award with incomprehensible doubt in my mind, and smiled at the hundreds in the audience slightly, so silently. At the moment when I saw the curtain totally closed, I realized that it was the first and the last award that I would take away from the drama club before I left my life on the stage. I’m glad that drama, by a fortuitous chance, brought me from an ignorant world to challenging surroundings and turned me from a chick into a mature bird. That was the first time I stepped out into real society, the first time I looked at the world from another angle, the first time I broadened my horizons. During this period of time, I learned, I tried, I fell, and finally I succeeded; I became one of the most popular actresses in the drama club. When I noticed that the laughter that used to surround my acting had turned into the terrible shout of the director, and that awful sound finally turned to applause, I almost could not remember how much time I had spent working back stage. I even gradually forgot the difficulties that had kept me from being a good actress. The continuous performances let me have more and different insights in my life, but certainly, because of the different plots, different actor’s lines, different stories, and different characters, it made me constantly change from one person to another. I started losing my soul. From the most profound place of my heart, I began to question which character represented my true self. My body seemed to have been dominated by the dramatic stories like a bird in a cage - restricted and confined, helpless and lonely. By the time I was trapped into the confusion of my own thinking, an answer came to my mind: “ I need to quit.” The bird was self-exiled from the intangible cage. I was flying, ceaselessly and hopefully, forward to where the white light of the fresh sun shone out, though I didn’t know how far it was, but I clearly understood that there was somewhere that belonged to me. This incident might sound small to others, but really mean a lot to me because it was a time that I have to give up something that was not belong to me. Leaving the stage was not the fate that I was forced to follow, but the decision that I was willing to make. In spite of the fact that some may see the termination of my dramatic career as a pity, I do not regret what I decided. As this was my first decision to make on my own in my life, I knew I should not have regrets. After a long trip of self-discovery, the last consequence of my decision showed me that I was right. I had never enjoyed the freedom of making decisions until I became a respectable director in the drama club, instead of an actress. As time went by, I started finding my own personality, actively and radically. The bird’s feathers transformed to golden with a long tail, leading a group of others, and flying to a higher stage, above the sky Sometimes, I would say I was lucky to change so brightly. But, perhaps, I would not have had a chance to change if I had not dared to give up something. Although no one can be one hundred percent sure what is going to happen, at least, we have designed our own will first. I determined that life is a continual gamble and all the results are according to destiny; however, what kind of gamble I’m going to play is my own choice. I still remember what my statistics teacher said, “ If a person plays a game with more than half probability of winning, this person is not a gambler, instead, he is a investor.” I know I’m gambling, but I’m not a gambler because I’m not rolling a die. During these seventeen years, I have discovered that nobody really knows me, neither my best friends nor my dearest mother. They think that I always do things that differ from the tendency of the majority, like upon reflecting, there was no one who could understand that I gave up being a performer after putting in so much effort; however, who knows what I consider to be the majority. By my favor, not the thoughts of others, I leave the stage easily. I believe a successful life is based on the success of processed and not the success of results. Even I would lose or I wouldn’t become a director, I still consider I’ve succeeded in the process of growing. People question why they suffer; I question how we can notice the happiness if suffering does not exist; thus, I’m glad that I have experienced all the anger, sadness and soreness. I like to ask my boyfriend why he loves me. Every time I am given an answer, I understand that he can see the strength and braveness of unbowed faith in my eyes. From the moment I rejected him once, twice, I challenged the difficulties of two unique cultures and three languages that was thought to be a barrier between us. From everything that I decided, just like my decision to end my brilliant life on the stage, I made him feel a stable, natural feeling of existence. Maybe he is the one who always makes me remind myself who I really am. Suddenly, the melody of the campanile’s bell wakes me from this reverie of perfection. The sun shines as usual, the air is clear, but my vision of the world has changed. By the time a soft wind brushes past my ear, I see the golden bird is gone to the endless point of the universe. ---- 英语学习 日语学习 海外华人 完全英语 超时空要塞中国站点 我的语音聊天室 我的网上直播  |
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